Oprah Frey & Me---Hopefully the last word on the subject

Oh Lord, please let this be the last entry in the James Frey/fictitious memoir/Oprah affair.

How could I have been so dumb? I have a book out. I was a guest on Oprah and I told the truth about having lied. Yet the highest it has gotten on Amazon is #1,736.

Frey’s “A Million Little Pieces” is still in the top five. Maybe my mistake was that I was on Oprah and confessed to lying before I wrote the book.

My book is called “Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent and Other Sensational Stories from a Tabloid Writer” (Villard/Random House). It is not a self-help book. Well, it helps me, my wife, my agent and the publisher. And it makes you laugh, so that’s a help, but it is not going to save your soul, make you stop drinking or using drugs or beating your wife or having sex with the dog.

I never said it would.

All I did was write stories for the supermarket tabloid “The Sun” and then go on Oprah, outing myself for having made them up. Suppose I had never done that, and had instead published a book in which I swore that stories like “Woman Goes On High Fiber Diet, Eats Her Clothes” were true?

And suppose millions of people believed these stories and tens of thousands of women had lost a lot of weight eating cheesecloth and making sheet cakes? And Oprah had me on as a guest because of it, thanking me for helping all those women lose so much weight? And I had gone on her show saying that it was all true and hyping my next tabloid story, “The Dustball Diet?”

And then the Smoking Gun had found out that I had made it all up and outed me? Christ, I could be rich and on Larry King.

Is that so far-fetched?

But, no I had to go on Oprah first, blab to her and the world that I made up all the stories and then years later write a book about it. What an idiot! I did it all backwards.

I had a notion that Oprah would have me back on when my book came out, since I based the entire book around my appearance on her show. The first blow to that good idea came from the Random House publicist who told me they shut down production around the time of the launch of my book (November 22). Then this Frey thing happened.

So much for my return to Oprah-land. There isn’t much chance she wants another liar on her show.

I sit and fantasize about Oprah coming to my defense like she did to Frey’s on Larry King, “I rely on the publishers to define the category that a book falls within and also the authenticity of the work.” And having her say not “Whether or not the cars' wheels rolled up on the sidewalk or whether he hit the police officer or didn't hit the police officer is irrelevant to me,” as she did on Larry King, but rather “Whether or not the Elvis baby was born singing ‘Don’t Be Cruel’ or ‘Jailhouse Rock’ is irrelevant to me.”

Oh what a couple of weeks I would have had! My book zooming back up the charts! Vindication from Oprah!

But then would she have suckered me back on to kick my ass like she did with Frey? Of course not! I would have already on her show. I would already have confessed! Ain’t I a hero?

God, maybe my agent would answer my emails then!!

And…and it’s me on Larry King being interviewed about my book : D’ANTONI: Larry, I got more laughs on Oprah than Frey ever dreamed of.



LARRY: Yes, Tom your book is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. You’re almost as funny as Rickles, but what about those poor women who ate their clothes?

D’ANTONI: Well, Larry how dumb do you have to be to believe these stories?


I’ll tell you how dumb. I did an afternoon TV talk show to promote my book. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for that appearance because it sold a lot of books, but they picked two of my fake stories and one real story and asked the studio audience to choose which one was real.

The audience picked “The Human Termite: He’s Eating the Neighborhood.” That’s a story about a man who was found eating several of his neighbors’ front porches.

They thought that was real.

I was thrilled.

So you see, it’s ok to lie. Frey was exposed and still got away with it. Even though she eviscerated him (and flip-flopped) when she lured him back to her show, I’ll betcha Oprah still wants you to read his book.

But she never mentioned mine even though I was so honest about my dishonesty.

I won’t make that mistake again, I can tell you that.

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