Am I Headed For the Gulag?

I’m wondering, given the talent and efficiency of the Bush Administration, if I’ll be prevented from flying the next time I travel. Whether I’ll be cuffed and shoved into the back of a black van, flown to a foreign country where I’ll be tortured, raped and possibly murdered because an international terrorist data base found out that I wrote this headline:
"WOMAN USES TAXIS FOR TOILETS: ONE-WOMAN WAVE OF DEFECATION TERRORISM."

That headline appears in my book, “Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent and Other Sensational Stories From a Tabloid Writer” (Villard/Random House), a collection of totally fabricated stories I wrote for the supermarket tabloid, The Sun.
Wrapping around those stories are quasi tell-all boo-hoos from me about how I made up all the stories and how it drove me nuts thinking of all these horrible things.

I’ve had pretty good media run since the book came out around Thanksgiving; a piece in USA Today, a lot of radio (Public Radio’s “Whad’Ya Know” sold a huge amount of books). I got up at 2:30 am PT to be funny at 3:30 am PT for East Coast radio several times. I did lots of morning zoos, a few with hosts who would rather fart than talk. Most recently, Joe Frazier of the Associated Press did a piece on me and the book.

Have you ever Googled yourself? Of course you have. I have tried to keep tabs on various places the book has landed over the past couple of months. I also have never tired of seeing my own name in print. But last night, when I was rooting around, trying to find out how many papers had picked up the AP story, I found that the story was up on a website called MIPT Terrorism Knowledge Base http://www.tkb.org/NewsStory.jsp?storyID=104906 .

MIPT stands for Memorial Institute for the Prevention of Terrorism, an Oklahoma City based outfit which describes itself as “a non-profit organization dedicated to preventing terrorism on U.S. soil or mitigating its effects.”
They go on to say that “MIPT was established after the April 1995 bombing of the Murrah federal building in Oklahoma City, and it is funded through the Department of Homeland Security's Office of Grants and Training (G&T).

Remember now, I had clearly stated in my book that I had made up all the stories. The cover even says, “All Made Up by Tom D’Antoni.”
MIPT continues, “The United States Congress directed MIPT to conduct ‘research into the social and political causes and effects of terrorism’ through our automated information systems and to ‘serve as a national point of contact for antiterrorism information sharing among Federal, State and local preparedness agencies, as well as private and public organizations dealing with these issues.’ MIPT firmly believes that the accurate dissemination of knowledge on terrorism is a critical ingredient for combating terrorism.”

Their “accurate dissemination of knowledge on terrorism” in my case was catching Joe Frazier’s story which contained that headline about a woman who was crapping in London taxicabs for fun or for some other reason I didn’t specify. I also didn’t specify exactly which terror outfit she was working for, if any. I first wrote the story in the mid 1980’s when terrorism had a different meaning to Americans, and had not yet been used as a political tool to frighten us into voting for idiots who would wind up turning the world upside down and the nation’s population into thralls of the corporations.

Matter of fact, the only place terrorism is mentioned is in the headline. The story lead was a quote from the cabbie, “’It was a hell of a tip, brother.’” She had run out on the fare. Later, the driver told the cops “I jump right out of the cab and open the back door and there it is, right in the middle of the back seat, a whole pile of it. The police came over and he looks in the back and sees it and says, ‘How the hell did this get here?’

“I tell him about the bird who ran out on her fare. He says, ‘Did she have a dog with her?

“I say no, it must have been her.

“He says, ‘Are you serious?’

“I say there ain’t no other explanation, sir. I saw her moving around a lot and fixing her clothes, but when you’ve been a cabbie as long as I’ve been, unless they’re trying to rob you, I don’t pay that much attention to what goes on back there. I just try to give them a good ride and collect my money. Anyways, you don’t figure somebody’s gonna take a…well, do what she did in the back seat of your cab.”

This, THIS stupid story has put me on MIPT’s “Terrorism In the News” section. We can only assume that the story has been forwarded to the proper authorities in Washington, at NSA, to Langley, Homeland Security and other similar points of interest.

MIPT defines terrorism thus, “The term ‘terrorism’ means premeditated, politically motivated violence perpetrated against non-combatant targets by sub-national groups or clandestine agents, usually intended to influence an audience.”

I’m finding it difficult to reconcile this definition with a tabloid story about woman taking repeated dumps in London taxicabs.

Accompanying that story in the same chapter is “Bag Lady’s B.O. Kills Five People On Bus,” also mentioned in the AP story. Even though people die, there is no mention of terrorism, although who’s to say she wasn’t in the employ of Osama? I say. I invented her.

The MIPT “knowledge base” (laughing here) describes itself as, “is the one-stop resource for comprehensive research and analysis on global terrorist incidents, terrorism-related court cases, and terrorist groups and leaders.”

Like the woman who was crapping in taxicabs, from a story I admitted in my book as having made up, that the AP said I made up, that has now probably put me on watch lists.

If I disappear, you’ll know why.

This also appears on huffingtonpost.com