The problem with gays in the military being out of the closet is not a gay problem. It’s not even a straight problem. It’s a male problem, it has to do with how men behave.
In the entire debate, which began again once last week, there has hardly been a peep out of lesbians or hetero women on any of the issues raised by straight men opposed to the idea. We didn’t hear anything about women not wanting to shower with other women, or sleep in close quarters, or…. anything.
Why? Because women don’t behave the same way as men do, sexually. For one thing, with very few exceptions, women don’t rape.
There is within every man, straight or gay, an unconscious understanding of male sexuality. It is, I am told by my gay male friends, better understood by gay men, because they deal with other men’s sexuality on a regular basis. But straight men (like me) know that, given the opportunity, men will have sex with anything that attracts them; be it male, female, animal, vegetable….basically any other person or object in the universe.
And when are the male peak sexual years? The same years most men serve in the military, including the years when the main thing men think about is sex.
That’s what straight men in the military are afraid of, even though they may not know that’s what they’re afraid of. Unfortunately, they may be right. This is not an argument against giving gay men and lesbians the same rights for which they are putting their lives on the line. It’s just a fact about men.
If gay military men were allowed to be out, it could well be a tremendous lesson for men in general. It could help men in confronting the fact that it is the men in the world who do the raping, and most of the sexual harassment. When these straight men are confronted with gay men who behave the same way toward them that they have behaved toward women….well, we may have some old fashioned consciousness raising.
And, by the way, anybody who thinks that gay men won’t be checking out every good looking man who walks by, just doesn’t understand men.
Does this mean that men can’t control themselves? Of course not. It means that men might better learn to, finally, or at least learn that anything that turns them on is not fair game.
It’s all a learning experience. Learning how to live with each other in or out of the military is tough, given the random nature of human behavior. There should be a lot more talk among men about their sexuality. And I mean neither Howard Stern-type discussion, nor running to the woods and beating on drums.
There aren’t any simple answers to the questions of how to deal with men of all sexual orientations in the military. Men just don’t deal with their own sexuality very well.
Perhaps a calms discussion of how men of all sexual persuasions can live together in the military is a good place to start.
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THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF "THE CLOSET"
In the wake of all of the recent sex scandals in the past couple of years, months, weeks and days in Washington and now the leader of the evangelicals. Obviously because of their high profile positions in our society these stories tend to monopolize the news. For this reason I believe it is high time that the phenomenon of “the closet” needs to be addressed and understood. I rarely hear of “the closet” even discussed as playing an enormous role and contributing factor on whether it is newsworthy or not. I believe it essential to discuss “the closet” to provide the necessary context from which to view some of these scandals. This discussion needs to be civilized, and our knee jerk reactions and judgments held in check. We need to discuss this subject with compassion. The closet, meaning where people hide their sexual orientation, whether one is a man or woman but particularly I am speaking of men at this time because I believe men use the closet even more often than woman because of societies more narrow view and expectations of what behaviors are considered acceptable and “normal” for men. Woman can be tomboys much easier than men can be sissies. Of course not all gay men are effeminate by a long shot but that is a stereotypical image of gay men and therefore many men attempt to cover up any behaviors they may have and believe may bring unwanted suspicion onto them. Therefore men, whether they be gay or straight, will practice stereotypical masculine behaviors to thwart any suspicion out of fear and/or necessity. This is especially true if they feel pressure to do so to protect their careers, career advancement, fear of social denunciation or for a variety of other reasons whether they have difficulties reconciling their religious views with their natural inner feelings and same sex attractions. These are however the most common reasons for men to join the astounding numbers of other men that are also hiding in the closet.
The fear of being discovered can be enormous and absolutely terrifying. These men will often then do whatever they believe society expects from them. They will marry and have children out of desperation in an always unsuccessful attempt at suppressing these natural longings and hoping that they will eventually go away. These powerful feelings of attraction that we all know very well and have all experienced ourselves whether toward the same sex or the opposite sex, it’s all still the same. They may also marry and have homosexual secret liaisons with men and feel terrible guilt in doing so. They will do their very best to compartmentalize their lives the best that they can. However I believe and have found while researching my book that the longer one stays in the closet the more damage is done. It is generally very difficult to compartmentalize ones life for long without developing some emotional problems begin developing in varying degrees and manifesting in a variety of ways. Many closeted men develop coping mechanisms such as addictive behaviors of all sorts whether they are alcoholism, prescription or non prescription drug abuse. They may develop addictions to pornography, sexual addiction or other self-destructive ways of acting out. Once again unfortunately the longer one stays in the closet there will then also generally be more victims because of their closeted lifestyle choice. The victims may be their wives and children, their friends, parents and siblings. All feeling like they have been betrayed and deceived when the closeted individuals true nature is discovered as it was for ex-governor of New Jersey, Mr. McGreevy, ex-congressmen Foley and now the president of the Evangelicals, to name just a few of the staggering number of men that have also been hiding their true selves. I feel very sad for the victims as well as I very much understand the humiliation, despair, and profound depression that the closeted individual feels that soon follows once that door to the closet is flung open. For some, the shame and fear is just too unbearable and suicide seems like the only alternative to ending their unbearable pain and shame.
Society needs to take some responsibility with this matter of the closet by being more accepting of alternative lifestyles. Without the closet, try and imagine how much less pain many people and families would have to endure. Not only the ones that feel that living in the closet is their only alternative, but for the victims that find themselves feeling betrayed and the breaking up of families that soon follows. We as a culture have some soul searching to do on this matter and not be so self-righteous. There are a variety of ways of loving and living. We need to accept the fact that, which seems to be normal for some is not necessarily normal for all. With that said in no way excuses adult men from making wrong choices that victimize others such as the irresponsible behaviors demonstrated by the now ex-congressmen Foley. I'm not even going to go so far as to say his closeted behaviors are the reason for his conduct. I don't know. I don't know him. However, as I said the closet can cause deep and very troubling emotional problems that can eventually manifest in abhorrent behaviors. This may or may not be the cause of his behaviors. However one thing I do know is that he does know what's right and wrong and as he surely knew, his attractions to young teens, although may not be technically illegal, is however an inappropriate attraction and should have sought therapy before creating victims. However, because there is still so much shame yet in this day and age in our rather hypocritical puritanical society, cause many gays not to seek help concerning issues they may be struggling with from the appropriate professionals. I generally do not recommend clergy because it can cause further damage due to their religious agendas which can deepen one's shame and depression. This is a very complicated issue that society has to become more compassionate about or we will continue to shame many people with same sex attractions enough that will continue to inhibit many from being true to themselves from the beginning or it may prevent them from seeking the appropriate help for any specific personal issues in which they may be struggling with.
One can read more about this issue and many other disturbing issues involving gay culture of today in my new book; "why gay men do what they do", an inside look at gay culture. Thank you, Aaron Jason Silver
www.aaronjasonsilver.com
Why does no one consider the possibility that every man has homosexual interests? It's hinted at in this blog post. I understand sexual orientation this way: for "straight men", the ubiquitous anti-homosexual messages coming from the family, state and church form their orientation. But they are all universally in the closet. What then, is a "gay" man? Modern society segregates the sexes and presents them as unequal. Boys are corralled together in sports and get a lot of experience with the male form before it is considered appropriate for them to act on their sexuality, even tho it exists. At some point in adolescence, boys are expected to (having eschewed the company of girls and denegrated everything feminine) orient themselves toward women, and make a fetish of the female form. But this happens in the context of an unequal gender stratification, and as a rite of passage to manhood. Gay men, for whatever reason, don't progress through this process. And they're hardly likely to view women as objects to screw or someone to be dominated (or raped).
Ironically, it seems as if one would have to objectify and demean women in order to achieve the modern version of heterosexuality. And this colors sex in the shades of rape and domination. So for straight men, sex with men is out of the question. Their form of sexuality would make this kind of contact a threat to their masculinity, unless of course, they're on top. And in many countries this is perfectly acceptable, and not a contradiction.
Some gay men take on the role of women and turn themselves into beautified sex objects. Some men merely refuse to make the transition to a form of sexuality based on dominance and hiearchy. These "masculine" homosexuals have much in common with straight men. This is the sex that springs from best friendship, the male bond, real understanding and companionship. And it can easily ensnare straight men, and bring them a great amount of confusion and anxiety.
Sexual orientation is not simply related to the sex of the person desired. It can be an entirely different way of relating sexually.
The world needs to transcend the notion that there is a third sex (male, female and LBGT). There are just particular categories of individuals chewed through the meat grinder of enforced sexual mores, geared toward the most efficient reproduction of people and personalities.
If there was no enforced exclusive heterosexuality, and women were equal and not seperate, there would be no homosexuals or heterosexuals.
jvanek@mac.com
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