When this book thing is over

I'm going to be using this blog to write some of the same fine essays you may be used to seeing on the op-ed pages of the Oregonian, among other places. I got a head full of ideas that are driving me insane. That is, unless somebody is paying me for them.

My first bad review

On some badly named site called "Bookgasm." It says, "From the very first article, “Grandma Turns Pet Dog Inside Out for Lost Lottery Ticket,” it’s evident the stories are complete fabrications. It’s also evident that they’re completely not funny."
That he doesn't think that story is funny is the best indication of his sense of humor. He has none. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people laugh out loud at that one and all of the rest of them. Loud laughter. Universally.
I take everything personally.....except this guy.

Ever try to be funny at 3:40 a.m.?

Unless you're still messed up and haven't gone to bed, and still have the same audience you've had all night.....don't try it. It's a surreal experience to say the least. Take my word for it. When do I go to sleep now?

On the radio next week

The book comes out on Tuesday. I will be on the following shows. All times PST:
3:40 am to 3:50am -Tampa - WFLA-AM “Tampa Bay AM”
4:10am to 4:25am - Baltimore- WIYY-FM- “Kirk, Mark & Spiegel in the Morning”...Should be a lot of fun since I savage Baltimore in the book.
5:10 am to 5:25 am - National Radio from Chicago - WKQX-FM - “Mancow’s Morning Madhouse”...also heard all over Southern California and Detroit among other places.
7:10 am to 7:25 am - Cincinnati- WLW-AM - “Jim Scott Morning Show”
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 - 6:00 am to 6:10 am
Latham/Albany, NY- WPYX-FM - “The Wolf in the Morning Show”
Yes, I will have to be awake and funny in the middle of the night. I can handle it.

Coming up for air

This rotten bug that's going around put what's left of my brain underwater for over a week. This is the first day I've been able to put more than 3 coherent words together.
I've been given the opportunity to write something for Nerve.com, the sex-is-intellectually-cool website...in exchange for being able to flack my book. They want something that's sex and tabloid related. I can do that. I haven't written anything about sex since 1998 when I wrote a few things for "The T&A Times" (really) in Portland. It was a stripper magazine. I remember, vividly, interviewing a prostie in a "jack shack" in suburban Portland.
No, I didn't get any.
I had met the (incredibly sleazy) publisher when he was a guest on my radio show. He brought a couple of contestants in the Miss Nude Oregon contest, which later on that evening I had the surreal pleasure of helping judge.
Again, I didn't get any.
Not too long after that I wrote a whole lot of porn reviews (at $25 per) for a kind of proto-Netflix website that rented porn tapes and dvds. My all time favorites were the lesbian tickling videos...how could you NOT laugh along with them? Also Bridget the Midget set new standards for me, standards that were pretty low to begin with.
So I'm looking forward to writing this thing. Maybe it'll sell a few books. In the meantime, I am prepared for the attack of the morning zoo shock jocks next week. A full schedule is on the book website. www.rabidnun.com

Anti-climax

The premiere last night was drab. The doc wasn't drab but the night was rainy, only 40 people showed up, somebody had smudged the dvd so we had to stop at a crucial time and put a new one in. But everyone cried and there were some good questions afterward. Oh well, it wasn't planned to be retail. The NW Film Center asked us to show it.
I think I'm having post-partum depression over this doc. The book too. This being the sixth day of having the bug doesn't help. And it's raining again.
The promotion is going slowly for the book. They've lined up 6 morning zoo type shows and no TV or newspapers yet. Emphasis yet. I'm still holding out hope they can pull out something big.

Premiere night

The NW Film and Video Festival is showing the doc tonight. Greg and I were on local radio here (Thom Hartman's Show on KPOJ) for about 10 minutes promoting it this morning. If you visted the doc's website www.robertsstory.com, landed here, and are going tonight, please let me know what you think of it.
I am wondering what my reaction will be tonight, myself. Secretly, I hope the audience is as shocked and stunned and in tears as the first two audiences that saw it. Unlike the first (private) screening, this one is a paying crowd.
I'll report tomorrow.

pulling one way/pulling the other

First, the Randm House publicist sent me an advance copy of Mad Magazine with an item about the book in the "Go Fetch" section. They have two parts to each item, "The Hype," which describes the book or dvd or game, etc, and "The Snipe," which is the joke about it.
"The Snipe" in the book item says, "Bolongna! We know for a fact that all of these stories are true! That spineless D'Antoni is back-pedaling because of the Patriot Act!"
Ha! Not a bad idea. I think that when I begin doing interviews, I'm going to say that the stories are indeed all true, and that I lied in the book.
Anyway, it took me only 47 years, from the time I began reading Mad, to this minute to get inside the covers.
What Me Worry?
Second, I found out that the doc didn't get any awards the the NW Film and Video Festival, and then later that docs aren't part of the judgning process.
And then, I got my first round of interviews from the Random House publicist. Chicago, Detroit, L.A., Cincinnati and Tampa..in one morning.
So you see how I'm being pulled one way and then the other? As if trying to get my head around the book and the doc at the same time isn't tough enough!!!
Wool hat boys are almost as bad as Republicans.